Thursday, September 4, 2014

Mastering the Art of Patience, Letting Go, and Being Human: Part I

I sat at the edge of my bed browsing on my cellphone, the inability to sleep just a habit now days, until something caught my attention. I sat there in silence looking at the bright screen, reading the quote over and over again; “Be master of your petty annoyances and conserve your energies for the big, worthwhile things. It isn’t the mountain ahead that wears you out – it’s the grain of sand in your shoe.” —Robert Service.  As I sat on my bed reading this quote another quote instantly popped up in my mind; "Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out" - Anton Chekhov. 

I sat in silence contemplating these quotes. It wasn't a revelation, I know what my struggles are and most of the time I can articulate exactly what they are but yet there I was grasping the concept and implications of what I had just read.

 I have been battling with that grain of sand in my shoe for many years. As time has passed by I rarely notice it but it is there nonetheless, not allowing me to step comfortably in any direction. It keeps me too cautious, too immobile, and too afraid to go on because of the pain it may inflict. I over-analyze every step, treading carefully on the path that I am taking. I instinctively store a map in my mind of the path that was easiest to walk on and walk on it again and again. 

As I woke up today with my well thought out plan of how my day was going to go, my to-do list at the ready, and my calendar stating the events of the day chirping away on my cell phone, I reached out to my ingrained path that is stored in my memory  when I was struck out of balance when the first thing didn't go as planned. Calmly I calculated the best route to take, I made the necessary phone calls and re-arranged my plans. Deep inside me I could feel my annoyances rising up and in my shoe I felt the grain of sand, always there, always bothering me. Even now as I sit down writing this I can feel it, one step - grain of sand, two steps - grain of sand. It hasn't budged and it might take months or years for me to finally remove it, I might have gotten used to it so much by then that even after it is removed the feeling of having it will remain. It is a constant battle but yet today it is a battle I won, with a grain of sand in my shoe I walked another path and I keep pushing forward and that for me is a victory. 
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